Preached by the Very Rev. Mike Kinman at Christ Church Cathedral on Sunday, September 7, 2014
Jesus said, "If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone.”Have the conversation.
I could sit down right now. Because this morning, that’s really all Jesus has to say to us. Three words:
Three words that will make every relationship in our lives better.
Three words that will make us people of integrity and strength.
Have the conversation.
That’s pretty much it. It’s that simple.
It’s that simple. But it’s not easy.
Because the conversation is hard.
The conversation is scary.
Even thinking about having the conversation puts a pit in our stomachs and sweat on our palms. In fact, imagining having the conversation often ends up being so much worse than actually having it.
So most of the time we don’t have the conversation.
We’ll try to pretend we haven’t heard, seen or felt things to avoid the conversation.
We’ll tolerate ridiculous behavior instead of having the conversation.
We’ll even have a conversation with everyone except the person we should be having the conversation with.
So when Jesus says “have the conversation” it is that simple and it is not that easy. Like everything else about following Jesus it is both too difficult and too rewarding to do on our own.
Like everything else about following Jesus, we need each other to do this right.
So let’s talk about the conversation.
Jesus said, "If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone.”
“If another member of the church sins against you.” The first thing we learn is the conversation is about conflict. It’s about what we do when we have been hurt. That’s the first reason it’s hard, because first thing we have to do is recognize that we are wounded. That someone has hurt us. And that means admitting that we are hurtable. The conversation begins with our own vulnerability.
We are hurt. And maybe hurt also means annoyed, angry, vexed, horked, devastated, exasperated, troubled, aggrieved, or outraged. Whatever it is, the words or actions of another person have touched something in us. Something that says “this is not right.” And that “not rightness” has created a breach, a break in relationship. And that break will continue to exist and grow unless something is done about it.
So what is to be done?
At this point, it’s important to note what Jesus does not say:
Jesus does not say, “If another member of the church sins against you, don’t worry about it because they’re not worth the trouble.”
He also doesn’t say, “If another member of the church sins against you, go to someone else and tell them how terrible the person who hurt you is.”
Nor does he say, “If another member of the church sins against you, say something snarky under your breath, roll your eyes and sigh, or leave a nasty comment on their Facebook page.”
Jesus says, “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone.”
Have the conversation. In private. Just the two of you.
We go in private because having the conversation is not about shaming or winning. Having the conversation is about growing and healing. It is about loving the other person enough to risk the conflict to be vulnerable and honest. About healing the break in relationship that happens when we hurt one another and violate the covenant of love that binds the community together.
That means the conversation is about speaking Truth. My Truth. Your Truth. Our Truth.
Your Truth, My Truth is about integrity. Your Truth is about having your heart line up with your words. It is the truth of your experience and nobody can argue with it. If you tell someone, “I feel hurt.” They can’t say “No you don’t!” It’s Your Truth. Speaking Your Truth means beginning the conversation with integrity, honesty and vulnerability.
Our Truth is also about integrity. Our integrity. It is about whether how we act lines up with what we say we believe as followers of Jesus.
As followers of Jesus, Our Truth is “Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.” Our Truth is when Jesus bids us “Love one another as I have loved you,” knowing that how Jesus loves us is caring more about the other than we do about ourselves.
Our Truth means naming those standards of love and inviting the difficult conversation about what it means to live them … and just as important how we can help one another to live them.
Speaking My Truth, Your Truth, Our Truth means beginning the conversation with integrity, honesty and vulnerability, going out on that limb and inviting each other to meet us there. It’s that simple but it’s not easy because going out on that limb is scary for everyone involved. It’s why so often we shy away from having the conversation. But our ability to have the conversation is literally the difference of whether we will be the Body of Christ or not.
That’s because our ability to have the conversation is not about getting along and being nice but about nothing less than whether our relationships, our communities and our entire lives will be about integrity or hypocrisy. Because as often as we say “Love your neighbor as yourself.” As often as we quote Jesus saying “Love one another as I have loved you,” if we don’t have the conversations that hold ourselves and one another to that standard, we are just one more institution where the music sounds good on the surface but underneath it’s the same old song.
Our ability to have the conversation is about nothing less than whether we will mimic the world or transform the world. Each of us and all of us.
That’s why Jesus doesn’t just say, “try it once and if it doesn’t work, well, you gave it a shot.” Jesus says we try and then we try again and then we try again.
Go to the person in private. If that doesn’t work, expand the conversation to include a few other people, a few more Truths, a broader perspective. If that doesn’t heal the breach, bring the whole community into the conversation.
If that seems excessive, it’s only because our love for one another and the importance of us holding each other in that love is excessive. Because Jesus’ love for us – each of us and all of us – is excessive.
Because we believe holding each other to that standard of love is so important that we need to be willing to risk the uncomfortability, risk the pit in the stomach and the sweat on the palms, even risk the loss of relationship and friendship, of love and peace in our lives, risk the messiness that can and will disrupt our life when we deal with conflict openly, honestly and with integrity and vulnerability.
Having the conversation is about spouses and families, lovers and friends, taking the time to press pause, turn off the screens, look each other in the eyes and speak and hear scary truths to and from one another.
Having the conversation is about each of us in this community loving one another enough to press pause, say “can we talk?” and speak plainly and listen deeply to Your Truth and Our Truth together.
Having the conversation means not only having the courage to risk starting the conversation, but when someone comes to us with a truth to tell about our actions and words, to recognize it is an act of love and courage and to meet them in that place of love and courage as well.
Having the conversation is about loving one another enough to hold each other to our best selves. For us at Christ Church Cathedral, we have 10 Rules of Respect that we adopted several years ago and that are in your bulletin this morning. They give us a structure for making sure our words and actions line up. That we are community of mutual love and brave concern. That we are not just hearers of the word of Christ but doers, livers and lovers of that Word as well.
And that means having another conversation, too. One we are having today.
Jesus talks about having the conversation of conflict, but there is another conversation that is every bit as important. The conversation of appreciation. The conversation of celebration.
That is the conversation that happens when we refuse to take one another for granted. When just as we risk pointing out where each other falls short of loving as Christ loves, we seek out and celebrate the places where we get it right. We seek out and celebrate the deep grace in one another’s words, actions and presence and lift it up for all to see.
It is also a conversation of vulnerability and integrity, of Your Truth and Our Truth. Of saying, “I am so grateful for you” and “you know when Jesus says, ‘love one another as I have loved you?’ well when you did this, that’s how I felt.”
Jesus has just three words for us this morning. Three powerful words.
Three words that will make every relationship in our lives better.
Three words that will make us people of integrity and strength.
Have the conversation.
Amen.
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